Ug
Ug was born to unknown parents somewhere in what we now know as the south of France. It was no accident that his parents lived there, his father had moved there to work as a deckchair attendant on the beach for the summer after the great northern glacier had flattened his cave up near Calais. The south of France was a nice place to live, hot enough in the summer to draw in lots of tourists, and the winters were not too cold or wet.
It was while working on the beach that his father met Coor, she was an attractive girl in her late teens who looked particularly lovely in her sabre tooth tiger skin bikini. Their only child, Ug, was born the following spring and was much loved by his parents despite being a bit of an ugly duckling. Little were they to know that as he grew older, he would turn into an ugly duck.
Ug found childhood a difficult time, not least because names had not been invented, every man was called Ug and every woman Coor; he found that very confusing. Being a little odd looking meant that he was shunned by the other children, so much so that he kept himself to himself and tended to be rather nervous and less physically fit than the other kids.
As he grew older, he learned the ways of the world, which seemed to comprise of eating, grunting, helping do the dishes, and collecting the abandoned deckchairs along the beach, while the men went off each day to hunt big game. His parents both died when he was twelve years old, they disappeared while body surfing one morning; it was assumed that something had eaten them both.
Ug would have been about fifteen when, finally, the day came for him to join the hunting party. It was a day he dreaded, and from that day on he would only be allowed to eat if he managed to kill
something edible.
Poor Ug, he was useless at hunting, he was scared stiff of anything large with menacing teeth, or anything small for that matter. When a creature of edible size came along, he'd get very nervous and hide behind a bush until it had wandered off.
Ug was cast aside by all in the camp, they wouldn't give him food or let him sit in the deckchairs. He was once more a loner and left to fend for himself. He became very hungry, so in desperation he set off on his own to catch something to eat.
Days passed without him being able to catch a single thing, no one would hunt with him, so he had no help, he was always on his own. Then one day, as he walked home through the woods, he entered a clearing where he spotted a chicken sitting on a twig.
“Hmm, he looks harmless enough,” muttered Ug, “I bet he'd taste just fine barbecued.”
Ug quietly circled around to the other side of the clearing, so that he was behind the bird, then crept closer until it was within reach. Leaping out from behind a bush he thumped the chicken with his club, killing it instantly.
“Ugh,” thought Ug, “I seem to have flattened it a little.” In fact, the unfortunate bird now resembled a feather plate. “Hmm, well at least I killed it. I'd better take it back to camp, it might still be edible, and it will fit nicely into the frying pan.”
When he got back to camp, he went to see the leader of the hunting men to show him that at last his hunt had been successful.
“Ug,” Ug said, “look I've killed some food.”
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